I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
