how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
