my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
