The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
