On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
