party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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