sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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