Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
