Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
