I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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