i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
