I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
