the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
