you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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