he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
