3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
