don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
