but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
