I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
