Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
