Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
