He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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