some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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