I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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