I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
