my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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