My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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