Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
