The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
