Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
