I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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