You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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