final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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