DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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