First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
