I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
