i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
