when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
