R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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