I can text with my tongue
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
