brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
