It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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