No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am mentally ready for anal.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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