at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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