Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize