my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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