I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
