Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
