i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
