My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
