Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
