come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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