i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
