Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
