he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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