I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
