Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
