was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize