I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
