Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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