Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
